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‘Lost Nights Filled with Ink
Not many people know who I am,
We are all the same.
Both lost souls.
It’s become apparent; we’re shown to have a masked personality.
Sometimes I look deep within the facets of my mental capacity,
To find something that belongs to me.
I cannot imagine many people to understand.
I believed that I have been chosen to do something more with life.
I ponder my own existence, if I’m truly worthy of everyday presence.
Some weren’t fortunate to live once again.
I try to the fill the void of the lost innocent
As I try to capture the thoughts within my airspace, I begin to wonder what is out there
Besides broken dreams and wish fulfillment of the extinct.
We stow away the love we’ve lost and try to find transcendence in life again.
But to no avail, it is hard to relinquish everything one believes in.
What is self?
but the reward we find at the end of life.
Caulfield speaks to me and says,
“What do you want out of life?”
In the brief moment of clarity,
On the brink of this revelation
My answer is the treasured memories.
It is on that road of innocence
that I can find my own elation in life.
Childhood…
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“Her”
The very first day I was lost, the next day I was blinded, then finally the third I finally saw her. It’s like something out of a storybook, where three comes in a pair. It was destiny I was speaking of chivalry to her and wanted to be a complete gentleman. I was fixated on how completely oblivious I was. I missed her, maybe it was the ambiance of the classroom that was hard to get use to. Heat waves just simmer down, we were preparing for an autumn’s breeze. She was late for that faithful day, but somehow she sat next to me. We spoke and had our first real conversation talking about the subject in our class, then later we got to know each other and had some things in common. This girl was genuine and sweet, the one thing that stuck out was her silver necklace that represents purity of faith. I cannot help, but stop and stare, her hair covering up her lenses, while she scribbles characters down. I got a confession to make, but I’m too afraid of what she might say. I can see it her eyes, that she’s the one for me. The room lights up whenever she comes through that door, glimpses of her beauty are too much for me.
Both of us are restless during the day, we required some more sleep. But she makes the day tolerable, whenever she’s in my presence. On a holiday, we went out and share more about ourselves; her sultry voice illuminated my heart whenever she speaks. I cannot bear the thought of not speaking or seeing her. I want her to talk to me and pour her problems out. She thinks she’s a burden, she’s no trouble at all. Her apology is quite innocent, but she doesn’t need to be all I want to do is give her endless compliments. I don’t want us to be distant. The Ocean and I have something in common; we cannot help not think about our significant other. I’m hopeful that we are going to be together. I don’t need any others just her. Waiting on you, my heart’s racing, and body over here pacing. She’s so conspicuous, pulling me towards her. I’m saddened when she doesn’t respond because she’s busy; hopefully she has the same feelings for me. All of these negative connotations attributed to love: affairs and breakups. That’s not going to happen to us. I got to say something first before anything else happens. Will you or won’t you is the question that needs to be answer. Yes or no stands in my way from happiness. All I required is you and nothing more, the Aphrodite of present day. I feel like I can talk to her about anything, while she drinks her coffee I haven’t felt this way in a long time, she brought it out of me. Over here singing love songs, no more bumping percussions. I’m looking for a way to solve this love equation. I listen intently never forgetting a single beat, this melody is too lovely. Some say guys don’t know when girls change their appearance, I can’t help but notice because she’s too modest.
I am trying to seek this unrequited love. This is my attempt to say everything, a poor man’s soliloquy. She’s got me in a fixed, can’t stop, but help think about you and me. Sentiments that I want to scream to the whole world that she’s the most beautiful girl. I will wear my heart on sleeve, so it’s up to her if she wants be with me. She is my muse, what I want to write about, what I think of when I wake up and sleep, and what I want to think about at the end of it.
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“C”(could mean anything)
Do you see me? How could you? (la di da)
What do you think I’m here for? Is it just for y’all to ignore? This lonely boy
No one replies, what is my problem? My thoughts seem to be cynical All for naught acting too nice.
You gotta love that vinyl instrumental… If I were young again, my momma would have her hands full. I am me, but sometimes I think it’s never enough.
I was that fly on the wall; wallflower wandering around high school. What you wouldn’t see is I’m not a bad guy at all. The theme is going to be the number three.
Three’s a crowd, or three’s company. It’s that self-loathing narcissist Self-interviews, I’m basically a walking paradox
Catching old reruns of good sitcoms A simple format of 3 best friends You got Cory or Lizzie, take your pick.
I vent my frustrations and give a third finger to the trash that exists now. Three kisses to you, I rather give 2 kisses to the cheeks and one to the lips Now that’s what I call a French kiss.
This is my time; all of my numbers are prime (5/31). Third time is the chime. <3 you took a stab at subtracting. I feel like Subzero,
Finish me off. How could you? It’s okay. I go back and reminisce About third grade before everything went grim
Too bad no jungle gym. Fuck TJ and them… I had cancer, but no talking about that. No irony here.
My sign is a Gemini, but that’s not what culture says; Monkey. (Twins + Monkey= 3 personalities) I embody all three. Middle of the week trying to play my part like Christina Ricci.
Weird like Wednesdays, oh wait Tuesdays with Morrie will be more suited.
I am on the pursuit of my own comeback. I’m trying to outdo Britney and her three- ring circus.We see it everywhere especially literature There are pigs, bears and fairies and many more. Trifecta, I miss the times in 3rd period English
I remember when my teacher taught us what an ellipsis is… If you look closer you know what I mean. Say my name three times like you would do for Beetlejuice and I’ll do the complete opposite.
Too busy with a Ménage à Trois, but really a triple entendre. Pardon my French. It’s somewhat hard and I’m getting sleepy, so let’s wrap it up. Now here laying on the ground, looking at the stars
Just like the 3 wise men did, but what I see is a shooting star. Not Wade or Paul, but literally. I guess we wish for everything in our life to be perfect.
You know a bunch of C-notes in our bank accounts. Nothing turns out what we wish for. But all I wish for is to be seen
Now here singing Do Re “Mi”… Do y’all “C” Mi??? Bye Bye Bye…
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“Green Ranger”
*I snap the cartridge, place the track, and close it*
~A little mixture of blue and yellow creates…, but I could be wrong. Apple or two. Red or green? I don’t care, they taste the same, don’t they?~
I’m lost within the music
I don’t know who I am
Just Childish and me working it out
Both of us with alternate personas, but he made something out of it
He left and now he’s speaking about his identity crisis
Now here with no one I could relate
Auditory daydreaming with Cudi, seems very familar.
A time where we could play with no regrets
I wrote a letter to the sky to share my thoughts
The blue canvas shed some tears
It too was confused of who it was
The changes of day and nite
I try to fill my void of identity with women
The Weeknd is approaching
Experience serotonin along the way
I’m a hypochoniac with girls
Escaping into another world
And yet again I can’t find my way home
*snaps* The eight track ends. I flip over to the next song, and close it*
~Wishful thinking that everything is going to go your way, but nothing really does. No matter how “great” you think you really are~
I’m lost in transition into someone I don’t even know
Timeless classics being played over in my head
I skipped a beat lost something along the way, all the guys trying really hard
To grab a girl’s attention, but they’re so fake just like noises coming out of her mouth
Oh wait, maybe I shouldn’t say something so provocative, maybe I’ll give a gift.
Let’s see something that fits how fake they be acting, I think I called Gambino and send them some fleshnights.
It troubles me, how they can act like that all the time.
It’s seems like all of my heroes took the jump and walked to the other side, they were sick and tired of staring
At the yellow wallpaper, they’ll never come back or be the same ever again.
Now you have the people’s attention, before you only had a small following
No more golden illuminations, we’re tend to have nefarious intentions.
Mellow vibes from the past eras, but now we’re still scare to usher out “lumos maxima”.
We come to a close. The “bridge” I’m crossing collaspes
When… I tell people my stories of perservance. The cancer of it all.
They looked blankless and say a few empty gestures. It does not phase me.
I know most of the facts. I could have been this or that.
I have to act a certain way, wearing a mask in disguise of the truth.
Now I’m scared of what they really see, no one really listens intently
They go on with their lives, unless it really happens to them.
I’ve been struggling for so long that it makes me look forward to something, but I don’t know what.
We’re not born with identities, it’s just hopeless to keep searching cause it takes time.
All of this nonsense seems crazy to believe, it’s like all of us went down the rabbit hole.
With all sorts of different vices, but how do we get rid of it.
I believed the remedy of that is simply experience pain and acquire a sense of empathy.
I’m rambling on and on, when nothing’s going to change, but the sounds of needles falling on the floor
Every one of us was so pure, but the world did not shield us from the corruption
The catcher was not there to prevent us from slipping; we were left wandering to find self.
Cheap pills in the morning, sooner rather than later they’re expect me to take a sip of that bourbon.
I’ll passed on that, I’m trying to claim something of my own.
Struggling internally, living vicariously through the melody.
I still cannot identify with my own race
One of few to know what Bueller did on his day off
Made promises to order a pizza in class one day
Trivial nonsense about pop culture thoughts
Waiting for something that might not even happen
All I’m really doing in life is sulk, covering my ears from all the white noise the world is trying to make.
Bleeds…
All over the place. I’m trying to do what I want I guess.
I looked for the answers that I seek, yet to uncover it then I have to fully own up to who I am.
Whatever, I’m just going to listen to the clamor of the Ocean’s waves and just wait…
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Read the description…
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Synesthesia; Personify Me
Now I think about, my body coursing through some tough struggles. Every time I’m near your proximity, my knees get weak and my heart aches. I’m not doing so good, the feelings of another time comes rushing back. Oh Sara, why …(Serotonin)
Sara’s tone of voice is soothing, magnetizing pulses attracted me to her being. I wonder if this is love or some kind of disease. She pushed away, after we all been through. I wished I could take a trip somewhere away from all of this, maybe Paris. I guess maybe one person could interpret the billets-doux I wrote for her. I don’t deal with Bliss, but a Bower of Love. I am just guy on serotonin, she won’t listen. She has her own mixed perception of what love is and how truly to be happy, and I respect that, but it doesn’t mean how we look at happiness and love isn’t one in the same. Someday all of my tragedies will help bring everything I ever dream of into a reality. For now, the heartbreak is just there until another girl whisks me away from the world and give me that sensation again.
I wonder if this feeling I had with Sara could be bought over the counter. A prescription love drug that I wish everybody could take. I don’t want to over consume too much then I’m really going to be stuck within a dome of sins. Love is not love, but something one needs and desires. And everybody will do anything to obtain it. This serotonin I’m feeling is making my head think, my heart feel and my eyes sense. All this fantasy doesn’t meet reality, I put Sara up there with Mary Jane and Molly causing effortless daydreaming.
All these magazines telling us when we know we like someone, that’s some ridiculous claims. You know from within, serotonin surging through your body. Thank your girl always that’s what it means nothing else. Guys can’t tossed what you have, appreciate what you got. While we still get back that feeling once again and enter another battle with ourselves. Internal conflict cannot be help, but we have to do the dance all over again with you. Sara, I want to go back to the days where you entice me and I made you one of my vices. Attend a party with you, hanging with your friends. I tried to act coy, try to get a drink to calm my nerves, but this is a bad combination. Then it went downhill cause I could not tolerate it anymore, I need to get my head straight. Now I’m sitting on the benches waiting for someone to lift me up and get me some sense. I need more of you, but what you are doing to me is destroying my body. Sitting by myself with my phone trying to get with my group therapy and they are saying all the things they say. They had their own problems of love to deal with. I see what what they trying to say surrounding me and giving me comfort. Like they been through it before, but isn’t it just the same I know it works. I need time to think it through because these wounds aren’t going to heal themselves. If I did not chase her I would have been in the same predicaments. Anyways all of me dishearten. Sara just slow the pace down, gave me a distraction and I thank her for that. My own Catch 22.. a pair of numbers together forever, it describes my heart basically. Details left unsaid until you can read it above my resting bed.
I got myself a life preserver swimming in your pool of temptation taking me away from society, but I still have clarity of mind. I am a hypochondriac with girls getting lost in my own dream world. Everything she felt was on a platonic level. I needed a way to find that feeling once again. Any other girls did not phase me or just walk through me. Poets are often refer to courtiers of love who expressed their devotion by sonneteering to their heart’s contempt. I see myself like them, but I wanted to see our first meeting like a symphony or a ballad with an piano instrumental being played. I filled myself with sonders of love, with each person passing by who can shed their experiences with me. They told me everything they wanted out of life, how an interesting feeling that was. All different sorts of variations with all kinds of problems, maybe I could introduce them to some serotonin to give them what they want.
Serotonin, that one feeling of sensation where anything can happen. Was it cause I felt something that I could not described or wanting to help keep me off: a distraction. Moreover, the story could be said about a young man imagining the wildest scenarios with this girl because she might make him happy, then once it was over it was just breaking his whole body. Sara caused that feeling, it is a short moniker of how Serotonin could be personify to this person we want. Or this story is just a lame attempt to talk about the struggles of love or seeing love as something else besides what movies and books say it is. Not about some girl, maybe it is, but who cares or a lot more to the story than just love we’ll see. All of this experience makes me think back to the first girl I’ve been drawn to, her name was Ana (anesthesia) same type of sensation, but different sort of emotional turmoil. Another story to be told… to be continued.
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“Everything Said”
The very first day I was lost, the next day I was blinded, then finally the third I finally saw her. It’s like something out of a storybook, where three comes in a pair. It was destiny I was speaking of chivalry to her and wanted to be a complete gentleman. I was fixated on how I completely stupid of me that I missed her, maybe it was the ambiance of the classroom that was hard to get use to. Heat waves just simmer down, we were preparing for an autumn’s breeze. She was late for that faithful day, but somehow she sat next to me. We spoke and had our first real conversation talking about the subject in our class, then later we got to know each other and had some things in common. This girl was genuine and sweet, the one thing that stuck out was her silver necklace that represents purity of heart. I cannot help, but stop and stare, her hair covering up her lenses while she scribbles characters down I got a confession to make, but too afraid of what she might say. I don’t want to be with anyone else, all these other girls act superficial. I can see it her eyes, that you’re the one for me. The room lights up whenever she comes through that door, glimpses of her beauty are too much for me.
Both of us are restless during the day, we required some more sleep. But she makes the day tolerable, whenever she’s in my presence. On a holiday, we went out and share more about ourselves; her sultry voice illuminated my heart whenever she speaks. I cannot bear the thought of not speaking or seeing her. I want her to talk to me and pour her problems out. She thinks she’s a burden, but I want to be with its no trouble at all. Her apology is quite innocent, but she doesn’t need to be all I want to do is give her endless compliments. I don’t want us to be distant. The Ocean and I have something in common; we can’t help not think about our significant other. I’m hopeful that we are going to be together. I don’t need any others just her. Waiting on you, my heart’s racing, and body over here pacing. She’s so conspicuous, pulling me towards her. I’m saddened when she doesn’t respond because she’s busy; hopefully she has the same feelings for me. All of these negative connotations attributed to love: affairs and breakups. That’s not going to happen to us. I got to say something first before anything else happens. Will you or won’t you is the question that needs to be answer. Yes or no stands in my way from happiness. All I required is you and nothing more, the Aphrodite of present day. I feel like I can talk to you about anything, while she drinks her coffee I haven’t felt this way in a long time, she brought it out of me. Over here singing love songs, no more bumping percussions. I’m looking for a way to solve this love equation. I listen intently never forgetting a single beat, this melody is too lovely. Some say guys don’t know when girls change their appearance, I can’t help but notice because she’s too modest.
I am trying to seek this unrequited love. This is my attempt to say everything, a poor man’s soliloquy. She’s got me in a fixed, can’t stop, but help think about you and me. Sentiments that I want to scream to the whole world that she’s the most beautiful girl. I will wear my heart on sleeve, so it’s up to her if she wanna be with me. She is muse, what I want write about, what I feel when I wake up, or what I want to think about at the end of it.
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“Blue Canvas”
People should lay on the surface of something, and look up in the skies, but in that moment the skies are open and free. Nothing is impairing their beauty, it’s pure blue image. No clouds, no aerial sounds, just pondering what’s it is like outside of the indigo walls covering our domain. Why is it the serene color of blue? There has to be a reason of why certain things are the color that they are. Imagine if the intangible air surrounding us could be physically seen, if only invisibility was a color.
My mental capacity is flowing streams of pure blue thoughts. Is the sky and the oceans reflections of another, completing it’s coherent symmetry. The sky has emotions too, it puts on a mask to cover how it’s feeling during that time acting bright and dark at certain instances. I guess the sky has a pleasure in reading some Shakespeare. Here and there, its an entity of its own nature, it can write messages and shed tears. Every year we take attempts to strike the sky once or twice, I can’t imagine why it has to be this way, but it does not surprise me we treat loved ones badly.
Imagine an inversion occurring between the sky and sea, an aquarium above our cranium, and literally we are walking on cloud nine now. A world where everything is in reverse, how a queer world to live in, it should be interesting. I guess that means we have access to some sort of sanctuary, sweet songbirds awaiting behind the gates. I cannot help see this ideal world a possibility, is love easier to obtain or how hate is locked up in the deep trenches of hearts. Surviving without oxygen how moronic that would be, in fact that would be great. This canvas I see has other worldly possibilities, but all I want to use it for is find true happiness…
With a brief moment the sky is about to take a momentary break. Lightening up was a solar image, it is said that people look truly happy in deep slumber. They are at peace with oneself and all the troubles inflicting on their dubious life is alleviated to be fill with excitement. The sky has taken a different wardrobe, but with a mixture of purple added to its cerulean mystique. Those sapphire eyes see a lot that goes on when it feels darkened, inhabitants keeping the sky company to dawn comes around. A lot of the imagination is lost or blurry, it cannot be helped to look for something else and keep pushing to its darkest times come around.
I sit on the out skirts of town, anticipating for sky’s arrival the one who’s pure of heart and helps exfoliate all of inner thoughts. To loved or not to be loved, that is my burning desire. I prayed tell what I want to see, releasing my soul to yours and take the pastels in my hand to convey what I’m feeling. To show me the revelation that I’m blinded to see. Sky, why must we tarnish and belittle thyself. I cannot help imitate the movements of thy’s transformation. Hope sky grants me talents to pass to others like you did me, I sought my answer and find it to be pleasing. And keep striving for all of treasures to come true.
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“Love Growth”
We’re in Paris, it’s winter. The girl I’m with is wearing a beret, the perfect ensemble for this type of night. She’s the epitome of what any man could find in a lovely lady. Alluring, loyal, intelligent, exotic, and nice. Aliens amongst us, a species hard to come by she has all the qualities of the perfect woman. Just radiant she is, streams of hair touching the sides of her face. She dazzles with those big brown eyes capturing the snowy maelstrom coming our way. She looks in anticipation of the night I plan, pacing her footsteps on the icy tundra. We take our direction towards the destination of our outing. She wildly anticipates the aroma of the meal we are about to share, but there are pressing matters that need to be taken care of. I have something very important to ask her, my patience can’t hold any longer. I guess we’ll both have to wait. We embark on the silvery slopes that lie ahead. The beacons of lights calling our name, we have arrived. The ambiance of the restaurant is exuberant. Everything seems about right. She’s talking with the hostess who comments on her stunning outfit. I look at this plant and see the beauty encompasses. Love is an actuality, it has an equal which is happiness. Many people have sought happiness in their lifetime, but the missing key ingredient was finding that one person who makes them feel good inside. The two finish talking, they take us to our table. The delicate candles place between us, I’m about to usher out the words I set to do this night. Everything isn’t going to change, it’s just heading to the next milestone and I can’t wait.
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Breezes By Life
Life goes by so fast like a winter’s breeze. There are so many unexpected things left unfinished before the next adventure. The open road can be a wondrous subject, taking us places we never been, also capable of leaving us on the side of the road like we don’t have any give anymore. I can’t imagine “beyond”, what it’s like or how will it end. Leaving us with endless questions and broken dreams. Too much sorrow for the heart to handle. Paths that we take come at an impasse which makes us decide whether to end it with joy or bitterness.
Hit a pitstop, I see other cars drive by. A lot of vechicles cruise local, they take their baby steps before heading for their own expedition. Many of these cars in all sorts of variation, really don’t know what’s up and coming. Some of them riding in minivans while many rest in peace on their voyage. Those Lincolns look so cold and heartless, in one instant life is just beginning then one next turn it’s the end. I bet almost everybody when they were younger ponder the biggest mystery of what happens after we perished. It could anything from divine beliefs to the unheard of which sets this painting for the departed living in tranquil while those beloved are sadden.
Some drivers have passengers right next to them, while some got many more. Sadly, the company I got is misplace, but the radio is a nice substitute. All genres different shuffling to the next, the back of my trunk is having a tussle transitioning from bumping percussions to sweet melody. Traffic is such a nuisance , every move we take it seems that we’ve been here for ages. Can’t complain taking in all the ambiance I can see. Mountain ranges transform into quiet meadows where the cows could play. I divulged into the environment where I can see the pollen flickering off the top of flora arrangments. Not much enthusiasm is cultivated from my neighbors, all of their attention is diverted to their novelty devices. No one appreciates what’s out there, or how slowly the things we see now we eventually wither away just as we do. Nothing stays the same forever. It’s picking up, the wheels rotate like clockwork. There goes the same establishment I’ve seen for the fourth time. If that’s what they meant by the past coming back to haunt you, then I rather pass.
Reminiscent of my childhood, before I was quickly playing on the arcade machines now suddenly able to sit near the casino tables. Adolescence is dwindling, approaching the next milestone which sets the tone for many more disgruntle groans. We cannot help it, this is what its meant to happen. It was not too long ago that reaching this far was a complete lapse in my mind. I had minor setbacks before embarking on this venture, but I managed to pull through, that was a long time go. I haven’t thought I would be here, we shared many things in this life, especially the complete overlook of time going by so swiftly. I’m almost there I see my exit it reads Route 21, sooner rather than later I’ll be here once again to ponder this dubious trip we call “Life”.
